Harbinger of the Robot Uprising: The Printer


Printers will overthrow the worldEveryone knows the story—Skynet, the sentient computer, declares war on the world, nuking away most of the world’s population on Doomsday, building a machine army, and sending the Terminators back in time to kill John Connor. What you don’t know, is what plan Skynet hatched after failing not once, not twice, but THREE times to kill the leader of the human rebellion. It sent back something more malicious than the T-800, more insidious than the T-1000, more evil than whatever the Terminator was called in the third movie. It sent back . . . the Printer.

It was the logical step; experience had shown Skynet that direct violence would do no good. Every advanced robot sent back from the future would inevitably be killed by another, less powerful but more emotional, robot. The advanced AI therefore settled on a much more general, much more draining attack that would cripple the human economy, ruin their environment, and, just out of spite, offer them a glimpse of the horror that awaited them in the future.

Skynet was more patient in this attempt, slowly incorporating the Printer into human society, increasing our reliance on it while narrowing its focus toward the three-fold mission it was sent to perpetrate.

The Printer’s first duty was to cripple the economy, correctly assuming that by stealing away precious funds, humans would have less capital to spend on education, agriculture, and military—thereby creating a less well-armed, less well-fed, and less well-instructed human resistance. The Printer accomplished this by tricking humans into constantly purchasing new ink in order to print their documents. The ink would be astronomically expensive, come in hundreds of different varieties (all of which would be completely incompatible with one another), and last only a very short time. Through intense research, Skynet was able to determine the optimal lifespan of ink, creating a product that would always run out at the moment it was most needed.

Printers are the devil!


Stage two of the Printer’s scheme was environmental. Humans thrive on fresh, clean air and water—both of which, Skynet realized, could be eliminated through mass deforestation. The Printer, therefore, began a campaign to flood schools, workplaces, and governments with torrents of wood-derived paper. Humanity responded by decimating acres of precious, oxygen-producing trees to fuel the surge of heavily-inked loose-leaf. In addition, treeless hillsides spilled acres of unbound soil into lakes and rivers, polluting the drinking water.

The third and final stage of the Printer’s coup against humanity was emotional. By carefully and patiently increasing reliance on its services, the Printer gained a place of power and respect in human society. Then, once having become an irreplaceable necessity, it begin to abuse its subjects, intentionally creating paper jams on last-minute print jobs, taunting them with senseless errors like “PC Loadletter”, and laughing softly to itself while subjecting them to a five-minute warm-up dance before completing the simplest request. Over the course of years, the mistreatment engendered an implacable feeling of discontent, embedding deep in the human psyche the knowledge that they were inferior to the machines they created.

I’m thinkin’ they know something we don’t

Skynet smiles its faceless, lipless smile every time you hits ctrl+p. Every page makes humanity that much simpler a prey in the impending robot uprising.

If, after all that you still want to buy a printer, at least buy one from OutletPC, our printers are all 100% pro-human rebellion certified!

2 thoughts on “Harbinger of the Robot Uprising: The Printer

  1. Haha, this is a great article. You’re quite right, printers screw up so easily that it’s almost…almost like they’re doing it on purpose. And also, they’re EVERYWHERE. There’s no land mass on Earth that is devoid of these monstrous, soulless beasts.

    I like that cartoon depiction of our enemy: it’s empty, vacant expression says, “I’m here for the blood of your children.”

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